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It feels like I have lived several lifetimes in the numbers of years I have been on this planet. The journey of emotional rags to riches has been a full one. The difficult times seem more like a distant dream than a constant companion now. So- who AM I?

Passionate about life and born into very challenging and difficult circumstances, I grew up with the devastating child abuse we hear so much about today.

          Emotional Abuse
          Physical Abuse
          Sexual Abuse

As an adult, more discouragement and disappointment seemed to accompany every step I took. A violent rape and resulting abortion, 2 failed abusive marriages, estrangement and disdain from my two beloved daughters who were way too young to comprehend why I couldn't function the way I had before my marriage ended, inability to get my life together after 20 years as a stay-at-home mom, debt that came out of that long-term marriage so high that the amount would easily buy 3 decent-sized houses, hounded by the IRS for years without resolution in spite of my commitment and actions to get back on track, lack of job skills, surgeries and hospitalizations without insurance adding well over $100,000.00 to my already astounding debt, and the list goes on. I worked and worked and the IRS seized more than half of my wages. I had to leave my job. Then the IRS took the tiny bit of money I had in my checking account. I closed the account because I could not afford the return check fees and couldn't take the chance that it would happen again in the future. I felt deeply ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated. I desired death daily, but something kept stopping me.

Then, one early morning, I came amazingly close to realizing my death wish. Since I I couldn't make enough money working full time after the IRS garnished my wages, I started my own business- working one physically demanding job and spending many more hours than that starting up my own new business was the perfect setup to become a workaholic. I knew that if I worked my mind would not go to my problems, and even though I had a crushing debt with no real hope of ever changing it, it kept my mind busy.

This particular morning I left work at 4AM, completely exhausted. I hadn't eaten all day and felt hungry when I got home at 5AM. I opened the refrigerator and ate a larger than recommended amount of Royal Jelly- I had just purchased it for the first time the previous day- and went to bed.

When I awoke 2 hours later, I felt like an over-inflated balloon! This was so weird to me, this new feeling, and I decided that it must be systemic... and it made sense to me to drink a lot of water to wash 'it' out of my system. I didn't know it then, but the reason it was so difficult for me to force the water down my throat was that my esophagus was swollen too, and the water never made it to my stomach... it just expanded in my chest cavity, pressing against an artery that transports blood to the brain. I fell unconscious almost immediately, and went through the classic stages of dying... losing bodily functions, my vision, and my hearing, which I was vaguely aware of during the 3 brief times I gained consciousness. I was alone.

Thankfully, when I fell, the 3-legged table I fell against held my cell phone, which I could feel. Since I could not see and I could not think very clearly, it never occurred to me to call for an ambulance. However, I did remember where the 'redial' button was and pressed it. A long-time friend of mine, Jack Nichols, answered the phone. The conversation was very short: "Jack, come and get me, I can't get up..." Then I was unconscious again.

Jack DID come, thankfully, and took me to the hospital, where I stayed for a full 7 days (with no insurance, remember?) It took me months to get to where I could function again. My daughters, who lived with their father at that time, accused me of lying and making the whole thing up. I had few friends because I worked constantly.

I asked myself over and over, "What is my life all about? Why am I still here?" I came to the conclusion that I was living to pay my bills- that was it. And now, the bills I had were hugely increased by my hospital stay. Certainly not much fun, by any standard!

The other part of the experience that was quite remarkable was this: during the time of my brief moments of consciousness, I became aware of THREE SEPARATE EXPERIENCES of 'me'. These were very distinctly different experiences, seemingly not connected at all.

First, there was the physical experience. That was clearly not good.

Second, there was the intellectual experience- and my thinking told me that I probably could not drive to work that day, that I should unlock the door when 'they' came so they wouldn't have to break it down, and a curious thought intruded: "How will they know what to do with my stuff?"

Thirdly, there was a PURE CONSCIOUSNESS experience... it was as if a ball of pure consciousness, about the size of a golf ball, suspended about 24" above my head, was observing everything with absolute clarity. The amazing thing was this: there was NO ALARM, no fear, no concern. It was more an experience of, "Hmmmm... so THIS is what it is like." I felt my spirit leaving my body... and it felt like butter sliding easily and effortlessly on butter. Then I went unconscious again. The next time I remember, Jack was telling me that what I was wearing was soiled as he carried me to his car to go to the hospital.

In some ways, it was the lowest part of my life. And in others, it was the very best thing that has ever happened to me.

After I became functional again, I started unconsciously making changes that I never would have anticipated. I let my curly hair go curly again (I had ironed, straightened, glued, and otherwise fought constantly with my hair since I was 14). I learned to trust and appreciate the few friends who were there for me during this time instead of isolating myself (one man who has become my own coach would not LET me isolate myself- and surprisingly, I took his coaching!) There were many other changes that were to occur on this new turn in my life journey.

The events and thoughts and feelings that followed this profound experience led me from very low self-esteem and destructive thinking to a life of health and wholeness, love and happiness. Instead of passively wishing for my death, I moved past pain and into the place of peace, power, and purpose. My image of myself and of what I can do became very helpful and positive, even in the most difficult of circumstances.

On the journey, I discovered a POWERFUL TECHNIQUE that helped me eliminate most anxiety and 'ants-in-the-pants' (I had been restless all my life.) It also created positive thinking patterns, healthy emotions, a peaceful inner life, and a powerful career helping people all over the World to take charge of their lives, too.

What I learned, I now share with you. Do you ever wonder how someone can create health without drugs? Do you ever think that you can use your brain to do so much more than you ever imagined but don't know how, yet? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have conscious positive feelings and emotions most of the time, without negative 'self-talk' and sabotaging behaviors- no matter WHAT is happening in your life?

I know how to do this... and I will teach YOU these tools, too- to use whenever, where ever you want, through my internet radio shows, the articles in Austin All Natural Magazine, and through the information here on my website.

There is a word in the Zulu language... Ubunto. It means, "I am, because WE are." I give you the gift of me... so that WE can be better people, make more of a difference in the World, and enjoy higher levels of consciousness and joy... in spite of any circumstance.

Ubunto... YOU... are important. It is my belief that loving others in practical ways is an extension of loving one's self. By sharing what I have, we all become stronger.

Ubunto, my friend- you touch my heart as I touch yours with my words and well-wishes.

Dene' B. Ballantine